Mama

My cousin calmly texted me on my way home today, telling me to call or for me to tell her when it's okay for her to call me. I was scared. She'd never say that unless it's serious.
I was at the mall. I had just checked to see if Sony had any Z3c phones available(they didn't) and I just bought the Enchanted Forest coloring book. I was in the process of ordering a McChicken at McDs when I read her message. My heart stopped...

My mama had a mild heart attack and she's in the hospital. Actually, I wasn't clear if it was a mild heart attack or if she had a bout of high blood pressure.
She's had signs for neither one of those in her entire life. And, according to my cousin, all she was doing was playing a game on an iphone... whose iphone that was I didn't know...
My cousin told me that my mama said that she(my cousin) shouldn't tell me and that she wanted to go home... Haaaaaaay....

Before we signed off for the night, my cousin told me that her blood pressure finally went down.

Right now, I don't really know how I feel. I am afraid. And constantly on the verge of crying, but it feels like I'm forcing myself to cry for some reason... I dunno...
I love my mama, love her to bits. She's just physically far right now, and I really can't be with her.

The thing is... I kinda had the feeling that I'd go first. And I'll keep the reasons why I think that to myself for now...
No... I'm not suicidal, even if I have a morbid curiosity about death.