Life... Life?

Almost 2 years since my last post about my mother.
She's... okay? She's in physical therapy, and she can walk on her own. Not like when she just got a stroke. I sent her a cane, which she no longer uses because she can do it on her own, albeit a little slowly. I can't talk to her on the phone without crying. When she gets excited, she starts talking fast, the words start stumbling, and I can't understand her anymore. But I am damned happy that she is alright-ish.

A couple of weeks after my mom's stroke. I got a message on FB from a stranger. I thought it was a stalker's joke... sick joke. But it wasn't. I lost a dear dear friend to a car accident. She was with friends, returning from a concert from another state when they collided with a truck. Not really sure about the details.... It still sickens me to my stomach that she died alone on the road because she was thrown from the car. I only pray that her death was painless and instantaneous.

Yeah... my life really took a dive at the end of that year...
I had so many plans regarding both of them. And everything just slipped away...

Well, today, my cousin kept hounding me about making me go 'home' and tell my shitty uncle to leave my mother's land. He's a dick. Let's just leave it at that.
I keep saying that it's HER land, she should be able to do it. She can still think for herself.
I am worried that he's going to do something asshole-y and grab the land while mama's still alive, but I really can't do anything about it. I can barely afford go to work everyday, let alone pay for fare to go all the way there. I. Am. Broke. Because of my mom's illness and some stupidity at work regarding my pay starting January.
I don't even have enough money to buy new clothes. Or shoes from payless. Or stupid hair ties....

When I got home from work today. After a long and expensive day, I kept thinking about why my cousin seems to be in a rush for me to get my uncle off my mother's land. I thought that if he wants the land so badly when my mother passes(knock on wood) he can have it.
When my mom passes. I really don't have anything more to live for. I have no significant other, nor kids. The person who I'm supposed to leave my manga collection to, is dead. I'm working right now just to have money to send to my mom for her meds and therapy. If I didn't have to send money, I probably would stop working for the company I'm working for and just fuck it.

Yeah... that's how pathetic the life of a bishie closet keeper is right now. And this year was supposed to be my lucky year? I think I'm lucky to still be sane(?) right now. I am slowly breaking... slowly slipping... scared...

Mama

My cousin calmly texted me on my way home today, telling me to call or for me to tell her when it's okay for her to call me. I was scared. She'd never say that unless it's serious.
I was at the mall. I had just checked to see if Sony had any Z3c phones available(they didn't) and I just bought the Enchanted Forest coloring book. I was in the process of ordering a McChicken at McDs when I read her message. My heart stopped...

My mama had a mild heart attack and she's in the hospital. Actually, I wasn't clear if it was a mild heart attack or if she had a bout of high blood pressure.
She's had signs for neither one of those in her entire life. And, according to my cousin, all she was doing was playing a game on an iphone... whose iphone that was I didn't know...
My cousin told me that my mama said that she(my cousin) shouldn't tell me and that she wanted to go home... Haaaaaaay....

Before we signed off for the night, my cousin told me that her blood pressure finally went down.

Right now, I don't really know how I feel. I am afraid. And constantly on the verge of crying, but it feels like I'm forcing myself to cry for some reason... I dunno...
I love my mama, love her to bits. She's just physically far right now, and I really can't be with her.

The thing is... I kinda had the feeling that I'd go first. And I'll keep the reasons why I think that to myself for now...
No... I'm not suicidal, even if I have a morbid curiosity about death.

Meh

I am tired. I give up. I surrender...

3 weeks

The past 3 weeks of my life have been the most depressing, annoying, touching and over all fucked up. But mostly depressing.

Before I go on, if for some reason someone does read this, I guess I should explain my work situation. I am a contractual programmer for a company, which I will call the office, and I've been deployed at a company. I've been with both of them for almost 7 years.

There was actually a precursory event that happened September of last year. My office's 2 representatives spoke to me about becoming a regular. To which I said yes, I was willing. I should have known that meeting was crap when one of them refused to look at me, refused to even talk to me normally.

Then came April 12.
The office was having a get together on the 13th. I usually don't go, but for some reason I wanted to this time, even for an hour or so.
On the 11th, I got an email from our HR requesting a meeting for the next day. Now I don't usually check that office's email at home, I barely open it at work, but for some reason, it was one of the pages that opened when I opened my browser. It should have been my other gmail account, not that one. And that's when I found out about the meeting, and of course I accepted.
I had a feeling that it was related to the previous meeting. Hoping that it was going to be a work offer, but kinda expecting it also to be the worst of the worst.... That I was being removed. Before I left work, I was even joking around with my friends that I'd text them 'good bye', and that maybe I should be writing my farewell email.
What happened was the worst.
When I got to the meeting place, I was looking for one of the people I spoke to at the last meeting. I saw both of them. The decent one, spoke to me for a while, then left me alone. The other one still refused to look at me. That already gave me a bad feeling in my gut.
And now for the meeting.... I was given 2 choices. For my contract to be ended or for me to be made redundant. Some choices no? I was given until the end of May to look for a new office.
I was amicable for some reason, probably the shock. The HR person then left me to get the other person who spoke to me before, to say goodbye I guess. We cried a bit then I went home and went to bed.... at 4 pm.
While I was at that office I had to take care of something else, so while I was waiting, I texted one person goodbye. I received reactions from 3. 2 people texted me back, and 1 called. I answered the texts, couldn't really talk coz I was still at the office.

Now about 9 years ago, the same thing happened to my old work place. We were made redundant after we were promised that our jobs were safe. But I did understand why we were removed. I was depressed for about a month, but was still kinda okay because I was made into a consultant for a year and we were given a big separation package.

Back to the present. The reason I was removed was stupid, and obviously not the real reason for it. But I didn't care anymore. I was 'fine... you don't want me'

Saturday after, I was in bed feeling meh... The one I texted called me. It was amusing to see that they were so pissed off. I just cried while she was freaking out.

The days after that, I got offers of help to find a new job, people saying that I wasn't going anywhere and basically showing support. I was really touched.
Now I know that some of that concern for me was actually part worry on their part that they could also be removed just like that, but it was amusing and touching.

The next few days the company wanted my replacement to also be a senior programmer. I've been a programmer for almost 13 years now... (yes I'm old, so shut up :p)
There has been no indication of my replacement arriving anytime soon.
The one that talked to me at the office said that they might be extending my contract til the end of the year, but my friend's conversations with the other person showed that she really wanted me out and that I already had a replacement, invisible apparently.
When the company got wind of it, they offered to find me another office to transfer to, and they'd still get me to work for them. Effectively cutting the other office's contract with the company. The office's answer to my replacement was still fucked up so I didn't know what I was going to answer. The company told me the office had until Monday to fix things, if not I was going to be transfered. And now the office found out about that, and it apparently didn't sit well with them because I got a call from HR again last Friday, and now I am going to be made regular. To be finalized on Monday morning. I guess I can still shift offices if I don't like what they have to say.

So all in all, I guess it all worked out, but in my heart of hearts I know that they want me out. I'm keeping my options open and leaving when I can.
I don't know how I'm going to react when I see the "other" person at the office. Probably pretend I don't see them....

OKAY! So now that's over for now. I will post this on my other blogs.
I tried writing this on wordpress first, but for some reason it lagged. Whenever I typed something out, it'd take a least 10 seconds before it actually came out on screen. And I didn't like the spacing for Blogger, I guess I must tweak it somewhere...

Oh.... no one outside of work knows everything that happened these past few weeks. Now that it has some sort of an end, I can finally tell some people without crying... I hope.

So many expenses...

Well... I was planning on updating the closet earlier, but for some stupid reason blogger wouldn't accept my password, even though I already reset it

Anyways, I cracked a tooth last week. The same tooth I had a root canal on about a year ago. The dentist said that if I cracked it again, I'd have to have a crown on it. IT'S EXPENSIVE! The new 'tooth' is better than the last one, no sharp edge that my tongue gets stuck on.

Another expense(to be) is for new glasses. The lens on my old ones don't work any more. It's getting harder to read all my lovely manga!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... my pc is acting up for some reason... It hangs when I burn DVDs and I keep getting cyclic redundancy errors on my torrents :(

I AM happy with the yaoi releases this week. Still miffed about the Tyrant vol 3 not being released here... Hopefully it will be next week.

The rains have started... It's getting harder to wake up in the mornings o.o

3rd

Japan quake

As everyone might have heard by now, an 8.9 quake hit Japan yesterday, March 11, 2011.

I've been watching a few videos on BBC, the ones on CNN came later and didn't want to play. They gave me goosebumps!

Watching that gigantic wave wash away Sendai, taking with it houses and cars, and most probably lives. No one knows how many lives were lost, no one will probably know the exact number of people that  have died. And will die.

There was one video where a car was stopped on a bridge on a river, who's water was slowly rising, with the rest of the tsunami water approaching. I wonder if the people in the car made it. The wave was already slowing down at that point, that's the way it appeared to me because it was taken from high above, I know I could be wrong.

I just watched another video showing the fires. And looked at some of the pictures.

It really scares me. The number of earthquakes lately have increased and have gotten stronger. 

The Philippines, where I am, has also been hit with much smaller quakes lately, and we were included in the tsunami warning. The highest one was about 2 feet high.

It makes me remember the quake the Philippines had 20 years ago. I was in college (yes, I know I'm dating myself :p), but I didn't have classes on that day so it happened while I was watching TV. Watching the footage of the supermarket reminded me of how I felt that day... After all the shaking, we all laughed and joked around... Until we saw the footage of the damage done to Baguio city....

I had to thank my lucky stars, and my mom, for not allowing me to study in Baguio as I wanted. The school was a total wreck, and is now known to be haunted. 

I pray that whatever diety exists pay special attention to Japan tonight and the next few days. 

Oh, I heard on the radio yesterday that we had a 5.2 quake in Mindoro, a province here, the day before yesterday. I've been looking for an article of it in 2 of the bigger local network's websites. Apparently, it's not that big of  a deal for them, since I could find no mention of it... I hope no one got hurt there. 

Sick!

Day three of being home, sick again. Damned hormones.... once a month.... no fail... I get sick!

At least the package finally arrived. The fecking thing took only 2 months...
And here I am, actually planning on buying more books, and using their services again.... *sigh*
There is another service, but it's more expensive. Meh... We'll see...